Modern Nomad Seeks Friends

To the madness that I call my life.  It's a "normal" Tuesday night around here.  I'm sitting at the laptop in the kitchen, chatting with a few friends, listening to the monitor, watching TV, and eating cold leftover pizza.  Of course I've already downloaded some new music for my iPod.  Some H.I.M. , Bloodhound Gang, Teddy Geiger, and White Stripes.  Completely strange taste, and weird combo of music.  But that of course is me being me.  I'm trying to get my iPod all set for the trip I'm taking this weeked.  I'm going to Kentucky, once again.  I just hope the weather agrees with it, along with my bank account, and all the reservations I already have set up.

So I went into the city on Sunday, decided to hit up Chinatown because I found a bank that was open there on Sundays.  Kinda weird, but it worked for me.  And I was totally willing to trek in an hour just to make it to a bank on a Sunday.  Of course once I get into Chinatown, there's this parade going on.  I'm pretty sure it was for Chinese New Year, but not really quite sure.  All I know is that the place was jam-packed.  Couldn't walk anywhere basically.  And of course I get on the wrong side of the street, so I'm diagonal from the bank that I need to get into.  I got there like 2 hours before the bank closed.  And those two hours were spent walking in circles, getting pushed by little old Chinese women, and then getting yelled at by the "younger" Chinese women not to push the old ladies, who were doing the pushing in the first place.  I swear people were on me so much I gave birth to a few people, and some other people were up on me so much that could feel my tampon. (Yeah, I know, gross.  But it gives you a picture of what it was like).  So finally after I realized that the bank was closed, I totally said F it, and got back on the train and took the hour trip back home.  Wasting my whole day just to get pushed, and yelled by people.  Not fun.

WD-40 can be used to dissolve cocaine.  Some bars spread it on counters to prevent users from a sniff. (So all you druggies, keep a couple of bottles around incase you get busted.)

Berlin, Germany - Hundred of German soccer fans waved emormous inflatable penises at their rivals during a match.

Herbert Hoover was the first US President to have a phone on his White House desk. (So what did the other presidents do before that, just yell?)

Barnstable, MA - Minutes after his mother died in a hospital, a man was caught stealing the morphine from her IV bag.

For Valentines Day - The sound of a kiss is not so loud as that of a cannon, but its echo lasts a great deal longer. -Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. (So instead of kissing people, stay home and watch a movie full of cannons being shot)

London, England - A High Court in London is attempting to convict a British constable of driving 159 mph. (If you're going to make someone a constable, you should expect them to drive FAST!)

The gum on Israeli postage stamps is kosher. (Talking about Israel.  Ami James, the tattoo guy, is HOOOT!!!)

Sydney, Australia - A resurgence of real bed-bugs is taking a bite out of the hotel industry.

A kangaroo cannot jump if you lift its tail.

New York, NY - At the World Grilled Cheese Eating Championship, a 100-pound woman ate 26 sandwiches in 10 minutes. (All those aneroxic girls that finally make it through rehab.)

You can buy a gold-plated slinky toy for $129.95 (Not sure where you could get this, or who could actually buy something like this either.)

Blood may be thicker than water, but it is still sticky, unpleasant, and generally nauseating. - Janeane Garofalo.

London, England - A musuem-goer tripped on his shoelaces and crashed into a set of ancient Chinese vases. (Can you guess what the bill for that would be?)

Statistically, women's eyes are better than men's eyes at detecting gradations of colour.

Reading, PA - Rather than signing his real name, a man signed his voter registration form "God."  The form was rejected.

So that's all that I can stand to type for the night.  Enjoy the craziness, and laugh at the news.  It's a real, and from all over.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.   -Johnn Carson

Of every dollar produced in America, twenty cents goes to fund the government and its programs. (How come I don't see any of this money, except for the student loans that I have to pay back?)

Los Angeles, CA - A Los Angeles public school had been named after the late criminal defense lawyer Johnnie Cochran (So if you want something named after you, all you gotta do is be associated with the OJ trail.)

The United States has the most Internet DSL broadband subscribers, followed by China and Japan. (Hey, we gotta be first atleast in something.)

Lexington, KY - A high school Spanish teacher was suspended for showing the R-rated movie 'The 40-year-old-Virgin' to his class.

When the President does it, that means that it is not illegal -Richard Nixon (Just look at the person who said this *lol*)

Follow your bliss.  Find where it is and don't be afraid to follow it. - Joseph Campbell

The largest book in the world is about the landscape of the country of Bhutan.  It weighs more than 130 pounds and costs $15,000.00 (Who the hell wants a book about a country, I've never heard of.  And anyone who would pay that much for a book like that, is CRAZY!!!)

Hasbrouck Heights, NJ - A male high school senior has won the right to wear skirts to school. (I don't see a problem with this.  Guys have been doing this for ages over in the UK.  So why not here as well?)

Portland, OR - In a fit of rage, a man threw both of his prosthetic legs at a police officer. (Talk about someone being disgruntal)

No matter how long you have gone on a wrong road, turn back. - Turkish proverb (Now if only male drivers would listen to this)

Chicago, IL - After a woman was arrested for drunk driving, she slipped off her handcuffs and stole the police officer's car. (That's what happens when skinny girls drink, and are determined to get home)

Do not take life to seriously.  You will NEVER get out of it alive. - Elbert Hubbard

Madrid, Spain - Animal righs activists appeared nude in a brisk January weather in order to protest against fur coats. (I bet you some of those ladies were sporting some fur though.  And how come most of those activist that do that, aren't the ones we want to see naked.  Now don't get me wrong, if I was out there protesting, I wouldn't want to see myself naked either *lol*)

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. - Robert Frost

There is a town in Pennsylvania known simply as '84'

Sydney, Australia - A woman redeemed a winning lottery ticket 14 years late, but still received the prize money of nearly $100,000.

There are no eyebrows on the famous Mona Lisa painting.

Berlin, Germany - A man got stuck in a toilet stall at a highway rest stop because the latch froze shut.

Rome, Italy - A new Italian study has shown that couples with TV's in their bedrooms have sex half as much as couples who do not. (So wanna get more from that signaficant other, take out your TV)

New Bedford, MA - A two year old girl was mistakenly summoned for jury duty. (I could just see this.  The little girl comes in, and is like 'Guilty, because he/she doesn't like the Wiggles')

Stockholm, Sweden - A new play that is geared for babies ages 6 to 12 months premiered in Stockholm. (Parents just need to buy some Baby Eistein, or Leap Frog videos)

Anchorage, AK - A man who robbed a hotel whith his face painted blue was arrested after police saw stains on his forehead and neck. (Now what does this teach us?  If you're going to rob anyplace, use a mask!)

Great Falls, MT - A 1,200 pound cow escaped from a slaughterhouse and led police on a long, wild chase before finally being captured. (Smart Cow!)

Baker, CA - A man hopped for 12 hours through the desert after he wrapped his feet in chains, fastened it with a lock and then lost the key. (Always make sure you give an extra key to someone before you do something like this.)

In 2005 the US Federal Government spent over $78,000.00 every single second.

Toronto, Canada - A man is expressing his displeaser at his bank by paying his bills a penny at a time.

Oklahoma City, OK - An anti-gay pastor was arrested for propositioning a male undercover police officer.

In the future everyone will be world-famous for fifteen minutes. - Andy Warhol.

San Francisco, CA - A California couple went to Las Vegas for the weekend and left their two young children (5 and 9) at home alone. (What kind of idiot parents are they?)

Voorhees, NJ - An 8 month old kitten accidentally hitched a ride on a carriage of an SUV for 70 miles on the NJ Turnpike.

What pet habitat has the city of Rome, Italy recently outlawed? (Goldfish bowls)

New York - A PETA staff member has legally changed his name to KentuckyFriedCruelty.com

London, England - A drunk and abusive airline passenger was deposited on a remote island by the pilot and crew. (Damn why can't we just do this to anyone who's drunk and abusive?)

Jackson, MO - An hour after being put on probation for drunk driving, a man was caught ordering alcohol at a resturant.

Morgantown, WV - Firefighters were called to help a woman who was locked out of her car by her pet cat.

Richmond, CA - A porn actress is being charged with child rape for her relationship with a 15-year-old boy. (How dumb can people be?)

Blue Springs, MO - During an argument over a cell phone, a woman swallowed the phone whole rather than hand it over to her boyfriend.

McAlester, OK - A woman delivered a 14 pound 3 ounce baby girl. (All I have to say is, DAMN!)

Tokyo, Japan - Biodegrable socks made from corn fiber will appear on store shelves in Japan shortly.

Washington, DC - A woman robbed four banks all while talking on her cell phone.

Stockholm, Sweden - Two moose, drunk from eating fermented apples, wandered into a Sweden retirement home.

Chicago, IL - A woman claims that she found a dead turtle inside her container of Folder's coffee.

San Bernardino, CA - A woman plans to wed her boyfriend, despite the fact that he shot her and then held her hostage.

Berkley, CA - A letter carrier has delivered mail everyday for the past 28 years. Seven days a week, 365 days a year.

Arlington, TX - A man robbed a bank while wearing a Santa hat that was pulled down over his eyes. (Great way for kids to be exposed to Santa.)

London, England - A man dressed as Santa Clause is going around town exposing himself to unsuspecting women.

Wellington, New Zealand - Forty people in Santa costumes rampaged the city as a protest to the commercialization of Christmas. (If you're gonna dress up like Santa, do something more interesting, like the two above)

Gary, IN - A 10 year old boy tried to buy food at his school cafeteria using a counterfeit $20 bill that he printed from his computer.

Istanbul, Turkey - A man ran away with his friend's wife is now offering up his own wife as a fair trade. (But how fair can the trade be if he didn't want her in the first place?)

Matthew McGrory of Pennsylvania had the world's largest feet on record. He wore shoes size 29.5 (Well we all know what they say about guys with big shoes ......... Big Feet)

Rome, Italy - Scientists have identified a molecule that triggers the sensations that humans experience when they fall in love.

London, UK - Authorities are still searching for four chipmunks that escaped a recreational facility. (Because they don't have anything better to do)

Toronto, Canada - An experimental program will allow prisoners to get tattoos at a prison-run parlor.

The largest bubble ever blown in bubble gum was 23 inches in diameter.  Susan Williams did it in 1994.

Portland, OR - A man was accused of stealing over $200,000.00 worth of Lego sets.

Springfield, IL - A drunked man attempted to outrun police on a stolen lawnmower.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. - Johnny Carson

Sex is the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. - John Barrymore.